in a lonely place

lately i have been in a very crappy place to say the least. i've become lazy and lacking and very aggitated. since i got done with treatment(refer to earlier blogs) i've been slowly going down hill. i've been very easily distracted and been having nightmares most every night. i have been on a horrible sleep scheduale because i don't want to dream. God has been using alot of things to speak to me but i still am having troubles. i've been aggravated by little things like people classifing people or music or stuff like that. what can't it be what it is... the expression of one mans/mens hearts and souls...ones emotions... pure art in whatever form. i've been on a tangent to creatate but i am scared of having that take more of my attention away from God. i feel over flowing with all kinds of ideas. besides the distractions, nightmares, quickening of creativity, aggravtions, i also feel incredibly alone. i know right now that the body of Christ is struggling with a number of things and i can feel and see it. it seems as though everyone is in there own little world...it makes me wonder alot. just the last weekend (the workday weekend) i thought of leaving everything behind again... for no reason....not a girl, not music, not drugs/alcohol, not family.....no reason at all. and that bothers me alot. just the thought that i'd give up everything i've been working so hard for and at. i'd prayed last night and thought alot yesterday. i keep questioning if this is really what i'm suppose to be doing?! but as peter i don't have anywhere else to go and i know i won't be fufilled if i'm not here. i hate my heart and my mind and i wish i hadn't feeled my head with so much crap...and continuly put some crap in. i know that i am a work in progress, and right now is most likely one of those times when i am struggling and will get understanding and knowledge from this....and i should be more greatful for my suffering....but to be honest...this really sucks right now. everyone keep me in your prayers and if anyone needs my help with anything i'll try my best to help you. much love and God bless