a swift kick to sachel.....or something like that

well...first i'd like to start by saying i'm a piece of crap...here let me explain... going bck to the post before; i'm in an interesting position to say the least, but i think my head is in the clouds. now...in any tweleve step program you have to start at one. so i had to talk alot about my former using days. it got split up into two days because of time. on the first day i spoke scripture from memory and spoke of how grateful i was to God for changing. no one had much to say. then yesterday i did the rest of my first step and didn't speak scripture(because i was warned about quating the bible) but still spoke of how grateful i am to God. when it came time for feedback people went mad. they said "i was preaching", when i didn't refer to the bible or to any of them. one person said "it sounds like you don't think you need to be here. it sounds like you think God can solve all your problems." . i thought amen to that. people were upset because i wouldn't say i was chemically dependent. the counselor said"i' m a spiritual person. i think i can go out and drink and still be in God's will." i never even got a chance to anwser as people were talking over each other to say i was "preaching". i wanted to talk about the new man and the old. i wanted to say if you can safely have a beer or two and not get trashed that's between you and God. but i could/wasn't let to get a word in edge wise. i knew some of this was healthy perscution, but i was enlightened later on about my tongue. maybe i did speak to much...maybe they were convicted...maybe i just have a big mouth. but how can a man bear his heart to others and not talk about what is filling it??? later last night God reminded me how much of a piece of crap i am and was. i had forgot about alot of stuff in the past... i remember letting my brother and sister party with me when they were young...i remember letting them use pot...i remember how selfish i was(and still can be)....i remember neglecting my family and being trashed all the time...i remember hoping to die. i got very upset last night and i knew what i had to learn and show my peers. i think my words made me look prideful and my head was in the clouds from the high of serving God. i continuely talked about being grateful, but theres a difference between grateful and humble. i don't think they understood. i think i made a bulletproof impression, when my head can splatter just as good as yours(most likely better...i got a big head). thank you God and the man (in the belly of a whale) for speak to me and for enlightening me. i chose my words more wisely today and let them know that i had been humbled. i told them about if i ran from God it would be easy for me to put on the old man and go back to my old ways. i let them know how much i cared about them and there input. i let them know i needed to be there as well.... praise God..........

humility and teaching your flesh to shut up......

so i'm back aagin... lots has went down and i have a decent amount to say, so be patient. so currently God has opened a very interesting door for me...to be specific i'm going to a local treatment facility. i never expected God to put this kind of a task on my plate so early in my second chance...but He knows who i was and who i am and He knows that if i bear and share He will be heard. i feel a emensce amount of pressure by being in this position. But i can't lean on myself...i must lean on the Lord to make it through. i really have to think hard about all i say and do and keep a guard up against worldly crap that floats around....but i also have to show i'm human too. the first week has been hard, fun, emotional, stressful, and amazing to say the least. (i think to myself of the heretical pastor that pushes "purpose diven life" on people and won't give Jesus Christ all the glory He deserves. i cringe and ask God to correct him.) there are a few groups during the week that really urk me but God has opened my eyes. i know what i'm suppose to be doing and i need to stay focus on that. anyway the reason i titled this what it is , is because i missed a day the other week. i woke up with the worst headache i ever had and it had me feel like heaving chow. so i stayed home...all i could think about was that crap that was going out when i wasn't there. i had stay up the night before studying so i was ready if i was called to correct(which God enlighten me thats not my purpose). all day i felt i was neglectin the Lord's work (i was). i felt sick all day and seeked more council later. the holy spirit has led me to this conclusion... i can't think of my flesh if it pangs me when God's work needs to be done(i could have went even though i was ill), i have to be a good example and weigh my words according to the word, and i have to show them that they can change with the power of Christ. i have to be in constant prayer and led by the spirit to do what i'm called to. otherwise it is of my hands and won't mean much. i know what God wants and i'm letting Him lead the way. keep me in prayer..... all glory to God amen

r for realization....

so a few brothers and i went to the opening of "v for vendetta". it was an ok movie. earlier today i went to church and picked up more study tapes and listen to a few. one of them was danny bond(if you don't know about him your missing out), and it was a study about the christian mind. at first a really didn't know what to think... then it started to sink in...all the recycled crap in our heads that troubles us is seen every day. everything that is evil and immoral is justified in television and movies all the time. we don't even realize it. they take the Lord's name in vein all the time and make it a curse word, when it should be the sweetest thing to come from our lips. i could go on and on about this, but i'll leave it at this...we need to think about the crap that goes into our head. i'm not saying ban all these things, but if something continues to linger in your mind and takes your focus continuely from the Lord...i recommend to kill it in the water. i personnely have issues...like i can't listen to non-christian rap. i use to love listening to 2pac or 50 or eazy e, but i can't do it now. the crap continues to linger in my mind until i'm singing the most profane garbage as the rest of the world. i walked around town the other day after the snow storm and took the time to listen to what God had to say to me. i prayed for Him to speak so i could hear. He spoke today and how it panged my feeble flesh. God open my eyes to the things that continue to decieve us and how we imbrace them every day with out even realizing were in sin. near the end of "v for vendetta" i was almost in tears from my realization. so many people not knowing...when i got out of the theater i thought of free will. these things that keep us blinded are satan's deception, but the truth is ...this is what we wanted...and i say "this isn't what i want." i give all glory of anything good that comes from this to my Lord Jesus Christ. God has enlightened me and grateful i am. amen

a short story ....while i still have time

got to think of a good story...here's one about running from God...which is the most miserble horrable thing you can do.trust me.

THE SUMMER IN WHICH I RAN
by me

i had been living at a disciples house and hardcore serving God for a little over 6 months. i had made the mistakes of; falling in love with an unsaved girl, keeping old friends that were rotten, drinking and smoking pot again, thinking i was right instead of God or my leadership, and thinking i could change the way things were at my former residence. so i turned my back and slowly but surely disappeared from the wonderful gift God had given me. i quit my job, church, God, fellowship, devotions, life in general. my mom was constantly fighting with one of her newer (but still abusive trash like always)boyfriends and was losing custody of my brother and sister. she didn't care. i did. but i knew this would be for the better for them. i became a hermit. when my mom's boyfriend went to jail she started dating his roommate which was a drugdealer. i was smokin dope again so i figured i'd slang for my habit and for a few bucks. also i was getting more and more of the role of caretaker for my grandma laid on my plate. where ever i'd go there i was...and so was Jesus callin me home. i would get calls or run into people from church. i even ran to milwaukee for a week and God broke me there. whenever i would drink alot i'd black out and fight with people...sometimes several people. i was never like that before. i tryed to hang out and let say "hook up" with girls from my past and i couldn't even touch them. i so incredibly miserble. i would visit church occasionally and feel convicted and remember all that had gone on months before. i'd spend morings sober or hung over praying for a quick and merciful death. i had no peace what so ever. eventually i quit slanging because of the stress and conviction and ended up going back to being a hermit. then i stop seeing my supposed friends because it was the samething all the time with them; let get drunk, lets get high, oh me and my girlfriend ,lets go to the bar, just one drink, let me talk about my game boy for hours, lets waste a day watching profane stupid movies or playing video games....the list goes on of the same old crap. during this time several people even said to me "you know what you need to do". eventually i picked up the word and prayed my heart out and my eyes sore. i didn't know why God was keeping me alive. why did i deserve the right to live? i am nothing. i prayed for an abundance of the holy spirit and focus. i prayed for the ability to burn the bridges that needed to be burnt. i prayed for an oppertunity to reclaim the gracious gift God had given me. i went to church the last sunday of january and was invited out to lunch by trai-tha-rabbi(the keeper of real) and we had a long talk. at this point i was just gettin back part of my focus and thank God for that. travis(the beef) reminded me of what was happening and what could be done. he told me i should do, not just try to make it to church for the whole next month. and praise God i did. it's been over two and a half months and the Lord continues to bless my socks off. i was accepted back in to discipleship class, i help on thursdays at the coffeehouse, and i'm become the 5th beatle of street level. none of this would have been possible if i didn't lay my burden at Jesus's feet and beg. i don't why i deserve another chance. i always pray now that "i deserve to be dead. i don't deserve this life or blessings.". this pray keeps me humble and the Lord's grace keeps mr grateful. the only reason i can come up with that i'm here right now today is....Jesus loves me...plain and simple

all glory of this be given to God....i am nothing but a foolish man...and a amen to that

richard nixon...anti-hero or anti-venom

yesterday i was blessed with the honor of helping to close up my churches coffee shop on thursday nights. i finally feel like i'm gettin back where i need to be. so i awoke this morning and was very happy and tired... i listened to the the josh and travis show , and yet again called to bug them and to get joy electric played. i thought again about how God has been taking care of me. i had awesome fellowship in the morning and yet again ran into someone from my past. i got home and chilled with my grandma and made her smile by doing my nixon impression. i think God only knows how much i love to see my grandma smile. i try my best to make her happy but i know all she needs is to focus on Jesus. i pray for alot of things...one thing that is always in my prayers is my grandma...i hope that Jesus continues to shine through me and she seeks Him in her heart.

another day continued....no more yawns

so the day comtinues. i could get no rest this evening so i did more work and i figured i could write more as well. i know...your as happy to hear from me as i am to hear from you. maybe not. anyway, i had to do some homework for my thursday night study. alot of good scripture was brought up. it made me think more and more about how i should be dead now. God could have crushed me , but He showed me grace...He could have left me blind, but now i see. each day i battle stupid battles in my mind. i continuly pray for more focus. God has called me so spread the word , but i still hold on to meaningless things. my past creeps into my mind. i stomp the old dead mans head flat like a zombie...all over my pant leg. only because of what Jesus has given me can i do the thing i can now. i shoveled alot of snow today. anyway back to the point at hand... i really am nothing of this person if i hadn't accepted the free gift of God. i know that nothing is of chance; "everything counts in large amounts."(depeche mode quate) we truly reap what we sow. for example; when lot's dauthers inticed him with their worldly things they had learned from just living by sodom the decendents of those kids caused nothing but pain for the jewish nation. maybe that was a weird example but i read about in my commetary the other day. i guess all i want to say is time is short and we should be careful of our conduct and actions. i have alot to learn about this still, but with the holy spirt i know i'll change more and more until i'm a dead rotten meat bag. think about phil. 1:6.....i read it earlier and i trust God's word.

just another day....yawwwwn

ah, yes another early morning and another day... still am i grateful to be alive. so this is my first blog. well to be honest i got a blog address because several people around my chuch have blogs... i figured i could share with the world as well and just share my opinions on things... maybe even like paul, i'll take the time to write a breif life story. i had a weird dream this morning and i was one of the stars on saturday night live. i was like the will ferrell character. you know weird and absurdly funny. there were several skits in my dream but i don't remember too much. i do remember being a gym teacher and rubbing my hairy chest to the laugh of the crowd and the teenagers disgust... oh well. atleast i was dreaming of something to tramatic. i got up early this morning because i volunteered to shovel at the church. at soon as i was downsairs and trying to get some caffine in my system, our little annoying jack russell terrier was already trying to test my patience...to say the least.. anyone else like walking down the street with a ninja mask on and a shovel over your shoulder in a snow storm??? ..just me then... anyway God was doing work this morning through me. next to our church is a funeral home (the irony). anyway their family friends of mine so after some brothers from church and i helped them i got a chance to talk to them. it had been years since we spoke and talking to the father (that runs the place) i was very pleased and grateful that God had given me the opertunity to serve. God has been doin that alot for me lately. lots of people from my past just appearing and all i can tell them is how God has been doing wonderful things in my life. and an amen to that.